Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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