I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
