A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
