My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
