toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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