i just wanna soil my oats bro
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
