I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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