I accidentally had phone sex last night
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
