see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
