I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
