I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Four minutes until I can fart!
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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