Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
