Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
