Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Randomize
