apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
