I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
