I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
