I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
