Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
