My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
