I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Randomize
