If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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