'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
