It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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