Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
