Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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