Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
