my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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