I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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