my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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