I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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