Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
