I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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