Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
