drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
