Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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