so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
