On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
FUCK WHALES
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
