I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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