I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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