my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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