Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
