Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
