The maid of honor just puked.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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