dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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