Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
