I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
