i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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