Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
