I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
