This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
