i don't like sucking hair
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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