I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
