Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
